


You’ll Be the Death of Me

by alive_hahaha_fuck



Series: Cancel the Cab [2]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Dark Comedy, First Date, Fluff, Funny, Humour, M/M, Peter doesn’t have powers, Protective Wade Wilson, They’re adorable, dark humour, no powers for Peter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 22:42:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19119175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alive_hahaha_fuck/pseuds/alive_hahaha_fuck
Summary: “Oh my god, it’s the tie, isn’t it?” Peter whisper-yelled, struggling to get his orange tie off. “MJ said it’d go well with the blue suit but I shouldn’t have listened her - oh my god, I look like I’m about to graduate from the fifth grade!”Wade snorted rather loudly at that - because, honestly? Peter was right. With his boyish complexion, light brown curls mopped on his head, too small navy blue suit, top button done up, and napkin hat placed on his head, he really did look like a kid on picture day. Still, Wade stood and leaned across the table and grabbed his hand, placing a soft kiss on his knuckles through the fabric of his suit. “I think you look great, okay?”Peter turned bright red, pointedly choosing to ignore the flattery and burying his nose in the menu as Wade sat down again.“Anyway, it’s probably me they’re staring at anyway.”“Because you’re a known murderer dressed in BDSM gear?”Wade chuckled - two could play at that game. “Because I’m a known murderer dressed in BDSM gear on a date with a fifth grader.”Peter Parker and Wade Wilson go out on their first date... disaster and hilarity ensue.[Direct sequel to “Oh, You Know It Katana Boy”]





	You’ll Be the Death of Me

“So,” Peter said, rearranging his cutlery expertly as they sat down at the booth. “What’s wrong with your face?”

“What?” Wade sputtered.

”Oh sorry,” Peter paused just as he was putting the fork beside him in the seat to repeat the question in sign language, earning a loud, barking laugh.

“Where did you even learn sign language?”

“I had to take a language course in high school and all of the other ones are boring,” Peter explained, moving the glass of water under the table. “I mean, I already know how to talk with my mouth, y’know?”

Wade watched him in confusion, but decided not to say anything as Peter went back to harmlessly switching the same fork and spoon back and forth. “That makes sense,” he said. A brief pause. “What makes you think there’s something wrong with my face?”

“Well, first of all,” Peter said, grabbing the napkin sculpted into a swan off the table - Wade watched with held breath and tight shoulders to see what he’d do next. “You did wear your full Deadpool suit to this fancy restaurant.”

“I thought you said I looked hot in this suit!”

“You do,” Peter admitted, giving him a once over. “But most of it is your hot guy personality.”

“Ha! So you _do_ like the suit!”

“People are staring, Wade.”

Peter started making a pirate hat out of the napkin, and Wade glanced to a nearby table where a couple in their anniversary was staring at Peter in horror and disgust. “I think they’re staring at you, Peter,” he remarked.

“Why would they do that?” Peter asked, sounding almost _too_ innocent.

 _Does… does he not know?_ “Well… you, uh…”

“Oh my god, it’s the tie, isn’t it?” Peter whisper-yelled, struggling to get his orange tie off. “MJ said it’d go well with the blue suit but I shouldn’t have listened her - oh my god, I look like I’m about to graduate from the fifth grade!”

Wade snorted rather loudly at that - because, honestly? Peter was right. With his boyish complexion, light brown curls mopped on his head, too small navy blue suit, top button done up, and napkin hat placed on his head, he really did look like a kid on picture day. Still, Wade stood and leaned across the table and grabbed his hand, placing a soft kiss on his knuckles through the fabric of his suit. “I think you look great, okay?”

Peter turned bright red, pointedly choosing to ignore the flattery and burying his nose in the menu as Wade sat down again.

“Anyway, it’s probably me they’re staring at anyway.”

“Because you’re a known murderer dressed in BDSM gear?”

Wade snorted. Two could play at that game. “Because I’m a known murderer dressed in BDSM gear on a date with a fifth grader.”

Peter outright glared at that, but Wade’s giggles broke his resolve and soon they had both tumbled into a fit of hysterical laughter so strong that Peter reached under the table to get his water.

The waiter appeared from around the corner just as Peter was under searching for it. “Why does it have to be so dark in here? How can this place be so expensive and still not be able to cover the electricity bill!” Peter exclaimed, and Wade’s laughter only increased in volume as the waiter got closer and closer to the table, wheezing for air as the other restaurant patrons stared on in disgust. He kicked Peter lightly under the table in an attempt to warn him, unable to muster the air necessary to do it verbally. “Hey!” Peter squealed. “You know I’m right! Honestly, we could have shared a cracker on a plate in my apartment with all the lights off and there would have been no difference! I mean, except a couple hundred dollars-“

The waiter and Peter met eyes as Peter rose from under the table, and silence followed. “Did you lose something, sir?” The waiter asked. “I could try to find it for you.”

Slowly, Peter brought up the glass of water from under the table, much to the waiter’s horror. “I… er… found it?”

The waiter motioned with one hand for them to leave, and Wade has to stifle a giggle as a horrified Peter started to pack up his stuff, ears red with embarrassment.

***

They realized it had started raining the second they exited the restaurant, but something told them they weren’t allowed back in. So there they stood, rain pouring down at them in buckets, when they turned to look at each other - and proceeded to enter a fit of hysterical laughter at this obscene situation.

“I’m sorry,” Peter said, after they’d both lapsed into heavy breathing and the occasional giggle.

“For what?”

Peter sighed, walking over to the city garbage and pulling out a semi-dry plastic bag from the pile, placing his phone inside of it, tying it up, and placing it in his satchel.

 _That’s so hot,_ Wade thought, _look at how smart he is_. Fortunately, Wade didn’t have his phone with him - spandex isn’t very forgiving when it comes to that.

“I’m sorry for fucking up our date,” Peter said finally, miserably, as the storm ravaged them - Peter’s small frame getting the worst of it.

“Hey, don’t say that,” Wade cooed, grabbing Peter’s ice cold hand. “You know what? We were going to drop a lot of money on that place - you should be able to put your water under the table if you damn well feel like it,” his voice rose as he ranted.

“I just…” Peter sniffed, wiping his nose with his wet sleeve. Was he crying? Wade couldn’t tell as the rainwater streamed down his face. “I’ve always wanted to go there since I was little, but… Aunt May could never afford it. I was going take her for her birthday, and now I’m _banned!_ How am I going to-“ Peter looked up and, realizing who he was talking to, put a hand over his mouth. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have over-shared like that. My point is, I ruined our date and I’m sorry.”

Wade’s jaw clenched. “Stay here, Petey,” he ground out dangerously as he stalked back inside.

***

Dinner was lovely, even soaking wet. Their food was made in a fresh batch just for them with extra care, the previously disgusted waiter was smiling widely and being extra kind to Peter - even with the occasional shaky glances at Wade. The waiter even encouraged him to put his water under the table if he liked - but strangely enough, Peter declined his offer.

“You didn’t murder anyone, did you?” Peter whisper-yelled as they were left with their desert and the bill placed upside down on the table.

Wade chuckled, swirling some sort of salted-caramel on his chocolate tart around with his fork. “No - I wouldn’t kill anyone around you Petey, you’d disapprove.”

“Fuck yeah I would,” Peter warned, digging into his red velvet cake with a spoon.

“I’ve got one question, through.”

Peter swallowed his last mouthful, looking a little nervous. “Yeah, Wade?”

Wade paused briefly, wondering if he should ask. “Why under the table?”

Peter shifted in seat, eyes cast downward, “Both of my parents were killed by a water glass sitting on a table.”

Wade blinked, “No way.”

“Yes way.”

“Oh my god, how?”

“Hurricane. Blew a glass right off of our living room table and it shattered against my dad’s skull, killing him instantly. My mother died of shock.”

“You’re fucking with me!” Wade accused.

Peter grinned. “Obviously.”

“So you’re parents aren’t dead?”

“I’d certainly hope they are - I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to bury people alive in New York. Unless you’re warning me of the oncoming zombie apocalypse?”

Wade made an “O” with his mouth. “So they are, then? - Dead, I mean.”

“Well that’s a very crass way to talk about my dead parents, Wade.”

“You’re the one joking about burying them alive.”

Peter smiled, taking his last bite of his cake. Wade couldn’t help but stare at him with wide, admiring eyes. Yellow and White hadn’t stopped gushing about him since they met.

“What?” Peter asked, talking with his mouth full.

“Oh,” Wade lied, “I was just wondering…”

“Hmm?”

“Why under the table? Seriously, I’m curious.”

Peter swallowed. “Oh,” he said, a wide grin stretching across his face, “I wanted to see how far I could take it until you said something.”

Wade sat back, awestruck. “By god, Petey, you’re going to be the death of me.”

***

Peter went to the bathroom to freshen up before paying the bill, and when he came back, Wade was gone. This was of no consequence, really (although Peter was a little hurt), as Peter was going to pay the tab anyway. However, everything made sense when he went up to pay.

“Mr. Wilson has already paid the bill in full, sir,” the hostess informed him. “There’s no need.”

“That fucking-“ Peter reigned himself in, stubbornly producing the $100 bill from his pocket. “Here, for your hospitality.”

The hostess’ eyes widened as she snatched the bill before he had the chance to change his mind, and Peter walked out the door in search of Wade - the sun shining bright against the sky and a rainbow stretched across the clouds.

His satchel buzzed repeatedly, and Peter dug into it, ripping open the plastic bag and glaring at his phone.

_Katana Boy is Calling… Answer?_

Peter swiped across to answer, bringing the phone up to his ear. “You asshole!”

“Sorry Petey, I had an _urgent_ business call, if you catch my drift.” There was a ring out of gunshots somewhere on the otherside of the phone, and a man’s scream.

Peter narrowed his eyes in understanding, unphased by the violence. “You never intended on letting me pay, did you?”

“Absolutely not, baby boy.”

Peter groaned. “I’m paying next time!”

“Next time?” Wade asked hopefully.

Peter rolled his eyes and hung up, taking the time to add a heart emoji to the end of Wade’s name in his phone before placing it into his now dry pocket and starting home.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey a lot of people were asking me to make a sequel to this fic, so here we are.
> 
> I only wrote this fic because of all of your kind comments on my last work in this series, so if you leave another comment below I may be convinced to write more of these two...


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